the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
QUASIMODO
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♥︎❄︎
misc
the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
'93; a reason to keep believing, a reason to live. I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there
It hurts.
Tuesday @ 19.12.17
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
I've been silently depressed and bulimic for quite some time now. It's something I rarely talk to people about because it's too hard. It's too hard to put these thoughts into words and the reactions I've received from mentioning the slightest bit of dark thought has been unwelcoming.
On the 18th of December, I lost one of the reason I stay happy. Kim Jonghyun lost his battle with depression and decided to leave this world for good. Leaving millions of heart broken and scarred. As much as I want to blame him for this feeling, I know I understand his decision. Not once or twice have I wished for God to take my life simply because I don't want to feel anymore. Feeling, making decisions, the future has become so much of a burden that I don't want to experience it anymore. But when a part of SHINee left the world for good, maybe feeling the same things I've felt, I can't help feeling sad and dare I say, a little bit betrayed. I'm still here! I'm still fighting! Why did you let go first? Why have you given up?
We're not friends, we're not even acquaintances but him being in SHINee has helped me a lot. Him being in SHINee have made me so happy. So so so happy in times that I doubt I could smile. I'm sad that I (we) as fans couldn't do the same.
I feel empty. I feel like I've lost a friend, a part of me. Time and time again I've said that SHINee is my source of happiness. They never caused me any pain only joy. They're my escape from bitter reality. They're friends to enjoy joyous moments together. And now one of them is gone. By choice. Leaving the other 4 and millions and millions of others in grief, confusion and incurable broken hearts.
His suicide letter breaks me into a thousand pieces. Knowing that a person that brings you so much joy was feeling so much pain and because you don't know him in real life you couldn't reach out to him and help him.I feel helpless.
I'm worried. Terribly worried about the other four. Especially Jinki & Kibum who are also prone to depression. It terrifies me, the thought of them blaming themselves for not being able to help. For not being there at his last moments. For not being able to stop him. Because if someone like me, who don't even know him in real life, feels like absolute shit, I can't even imagine how his 'brothers' of more than 10 years fighting together must've felt like. I saw how Minho is keeping strong front, smiling and taking care of guests but his eyes are hollow and swollen and it breaks my heart because he was the clown. Kibum, the other cry baby in the group came almost 24 hours later with swollen face because how could he endured more than 20 hours flight and travel time with the knowledge that a friend he has spend a third of his life with had killed himself.
I still can't believe it. It's real but it doesn't feel like it. Is it a dream?
This year for my birthday, I decided that I wanted to go to see SHINee in Hong Kong despite seeing them only a few months prior. I told myself that there will be nothing that can make me happier than seeing SHINee for my birthday. I paid everything myself except the airline ticket which I asked my parents for as their birthday present. I went alone and I told myself, I don't want to be selfish. I'd just buy the balcony ticket and enjoy the show as it is since I've already queued so long, gotten front row and saw them really really close during SWCV Jakarta. Never had I imagined that it was the last time. The last time I'll ever get to see the five of them singing and dancing happily on the stage. The last time I'll ever hear Jonghyun's voice live.
This is unreal. I'm struggling. It's terrifying. Everything is terrifying.
Please send me a sign that everything is eventually, eventually going to be okay.