i might just be the stupidest human being. i went against everything i've ever told my self and for what? to be left out and exposed. i thought i was fighting for something, i really did. but i guess i was wrong.

for a believer, the person that i used to be wasn't really the best version of me. i was cynical, i was bitter, i was skeptical but i was... protected. a feeling i haven't felt in a while now. i was protected because i didn't let anyone under my skin but now this person has gotten deeper than under my skin and guess what? he did what i would've thought everybody do; throw up, get up and leave (that part of me) now, i regret ever letting someone in and letting my guard down.

when i was about to give up, a person told me; 'treat this as his worst, you wouldn't even want to try to be there for him? you just want to quit like that?' i thought about this a lot and i ended up staying even though i was miserable because that's what i wanted someone to do for me. i don't want them giving up on me whenever i'm being difficult. despite that, that person didn't do the same for me.

here's the disappointment number two. i know that would happen. if this was 2 years ago, i would've known this would happen. just because you are willing to do something, doesn't mean other people will too. just because you see someone as important, doesn't mean they will prioritise you either. so why hope? hoping will just set you up for disappointment.

it's better to stay cynical and believe that everyone is going to disappoint you.
it's bound to happen either way so best be prepared.