the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
QUASIMODO
entries
info
♥︎❄︎
misc
info
♥︎❄︎
misc
the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
'93; a reason to keep believing, a reason to live. I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there
Sunday @ 23.3.14
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
how did we end up here.
who would've thought that after 3 and a half years of friendship we would end up in this mess together.
despite everything, it pains me to think that i might lose you forever.
you might not know it but you're a good person. deep down you are a good person. things happened. it wasn't your fault.
i might be a fool but there are times that i believed in every word you said.
i don't want to think that it might be all lies to get me into bed.
i don't want to think that it was just all part of your tactics.
i let myself be a fool and told myself that you, you genuinely care.
what a fool.
you made me feel something i've never felt before. without us realising, you bring out the best and the worst in me. you fought for me a lot. probably more than any guy had been. i don't know if it was for the sake of your pride or you truly wanted me. to be honest, i could never bring myself to believe that it was the latter one. i know that in your eyes i'm probably just another "fish in a barrel". i know that i'm only one of your missions. one of the melbourne girls. one of your girls.
i can't say a lot of things out loud. i don't know why you couldn't understand that but you should've known. i've told you. i've told you that time that i couldn't say these things.
sometimes when we were together, i feel like the happiest person. but on some days, right after you made feel so important, so loved, so special you went to talk about other girls. i heard how special they are. they're better than me. much better. you took away every positive feelings you gave me and replaced them with doubts and lies and it hurts. it hurts that it was all empty talk.
i've tried to ignore these feelings for the longest time.
now i've acknowledge it in words.
now it has become real.
now we know two messed up kids won't make a right.
i've let my guard down around you when i know i shouldn't. i know i shouldn't but i did. now i have to deal with the fact that again i made the worst choice. now i have to rebuild the walls again. stronger and higher. but it scares me.
i don't want to have a wall that high. the walls are already so high that it shielded me from sunlight. i'm afraid that soon i'll suffocate inside.
help.
help.
i want you here.
but i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
so scared that i wished i didn't exist so that i can do both of us a favour and not be in this mess.
i guess i'll never say these words to you. it's too painful. and it's too risky.
at times like i couldn't help but wonder if i'm the only one hurting like this. i know i'll never admit this out loud but i love you. i truly do. if this isn't love then this is the closest i've ever been. please tell me it was a lie.
please tell me that 'us' wasn't a lie.
please.
we did everything wrong.
why.
you asked me to run away with you and i just shrugged or laugh.
but you know what.
the truth is, i'm already packed.
i'm already waiting behind my door for you to pick me up.
we could be two insane kids living the life together.
but i'm scared to tell you all that because i'm scared that after we run away you'll abandon me.
i don't know how much of that i can handle before i officially go insane.
i think i am insane.
am i insane?
am i?
i don't know.
all i know is that it hurts.
save me.
save me.
please.
i don't want to be like this anymore.
i don't want to be hurt anymore.
but it's not your fault.
i doubt that your intention was to hurt me.
i know you never intended to hurt anyone.
i understand sometimes you couldn't help the things you do or say.
you're lovely.
you're vulnerable.
you're fragile.
and
i'm insane.
i'm a coward.
i'm damaged.
are we a good combination?
so many times you told me yes.
so many times you told me no.
which one of that should i believe.
a lot of times when you talk about other girls. i wasn't jealous or sad because you should've been with me. no. all i heard was how these girls are better than me. they're prettier, they're more fun, they're nicer, they're more attractive that's what i hear. most times i'm upset over that fact. i'm sure you don't realise it but every time you talked about other girls i feel worse about myself. i feel more flawed, uglier, damaged. it's not your fault. you didn't know. i don't have your confidence. my self-esteem is lower than the ground. i can't understand why somebody would want me. if you're going to risk your heart, shouldn't you at least risk it with someone worth it. someone who's the person of your dreams.
someone you could be proud of. someone you could hold dear for the rest of your life.
i'm not that person.
i don't think i'll ever be that person.
there are so many pretty girls yesterday.
i'm sure you've picked a handful.
just seeing how pretty they are made me feel a hundred time worse about myself.
the fuck am i worth.