the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
QUASIMODO
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♥︎❄︎
misc
the perks of being a wallflower
the starlight hidden behind the cold clouds
'93; a reason to keep believing, a reason to live. I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there
It hurts.
Tuesday @ 19.12.17
It hurts.
Everything hurts.
I've been silently depressed and bulimic for quite some time now. It's something I rarely talk to people about because it's too hard. It's too hard to put these thoughts into words and the reactions I've received from mentioning the slightest bit of dark thought has been unwelcoming.
On the 18th of December, I lost one of the reason I stay happy. Kim Jonghyun lost his battle with depression and decided to leave this world for good. Leaving millions of heart broken and scarred. As much as I want to blame him for this feeling, I know I understand his decision. Not once or twice have I wished for God to take my life simply because I don't want to feel anymore. Feeling, making decisions, the future has become so much of a burden that I don't want to experience it anymore. But when a part of SHINee left the world for good, maybe feeling the same things I've felt, I can't help feeling sad and dare I say, a little bit betrayed. I'm still here! I'm still fighting! Why did you let go first? Why have you given up?
We're not friends, we're not even acquaintances but him being in SHINee has helped me a lot. Him being in SHINee have made me so happy. So so so happy in times that I doubt I could smile. I'm sad that I (we) as fans couldn't do the same.
I feel empty. I feel like I've lost a friend, a part of me. Time and time again I've said that SHINee is my source of happiness. They never caused me any pain only joy. They're my escape from bitter reality. They're friends to enjoy joyous moments together. And now one of them is gone. By choice. Leaving the other 4 and millions and millions of others in grief, confusion and incurable broken hearts.
His suicide letter breaks me into a thousand pieces. Knowing that a person that brings you so much joy was feeling so much pain and because you don't know him in real life you couldn't reach out to him and help him.I feel helpless.
I'm worried. Terribly worried about the other four. Especially Jinki & Kibum who are also prone to depression. It terrifies me, the thought of them blaming themselves for not being able to help. For not being there at his last moments. For not being able to stop him. Because if someone like me, who don't even know him in real life, feels like absolute shit, I can't even imagine how his 'brothers' of more than 10 years fighting together must've felt like. I saw how Minho is keeping strong front, smiling and taking care of guests but his eyes are hollow and swollen and it breaks my heart because he was the clown. Kibum, the other cry baby in the group came almost 24 hours later with swollen face because how could he endured more than 20 hours flight and travel time with the knowledge that a friend he has spend a third of his life with had killed himself.
I still can't believe it. It's real but it doesn't feel like it. Is it a dream?
This year for my birthday, I decided that I wanted to go to see SHINee in Hong Kong despite seeing them only a few months prior. I told myself that there will be nothing that can make me happier than seeing SHINee for my birthday. I paid everything myself except the airline ticket which I asked my parents for as their birthday present. I went alone and I told myself, I don't want to be selfish. I'd just buy the balcony ticket and enjoy the show as it is since I've already queued so long, gotten front row and saw them really really close during SWCV Jakarta. Never had I imagined that it was the last time. The last time I'll ever get to see the five of them singing and dancing happily on the stage. The last time I'll ever hear Jonghyun's voice live.
This is unreal. I'm struggling. It's terrifying. Everything is terrifying.
Please send me a sign that everything is eventually, eventually going to be okay.
an open letter to all parents
Thursday @ 2.2.17
Dear all parents,
I would like to say thank you for bringing us into the world, giving us our name and taking care of us.What you've done for us is a debt no child could ever repay. In saying that, I would like to remind you that we are very dependent on you. How we see life and our attitude towards it is shaped by how you treat other people, us.
We know that life is rough. We know having a family isn't an easy task. We know that you bend over backwards to give us the best. But please, please. Don't fight in front of your child.
It's easy to lose it sometimes and you've been with your partner for so long you bound to get a little mad sometimes but never ever bring your child into your fights. Let alone making them feel like their relationship is their responsibility. It's easy to forget that no matter how old your child is, they would still look up to you. Your actions will still affect them, probably in a bigger way that you can imagine. They don't deserve it. They don't deserve having their lives disturbed, have their mental utterly destroyed by you and your partner's lack of judgement.
Your child maybe blaming themselves. Your child might not be able to trust or open up to someone. They might be traumatised. They don't deserve all that.
I'm in no way saying that you should always protect us from the bad of the world. We're bound to experience that ourselves but that doesn't mean you can put the burden of your relationship on our shoulders. You're our parents. You're supposed to show us how to be a proper adult. How to deal with things with the best way possible and when you lose it you're supposed to be graceful and apologise for your behaviour. You have no idea how much of an impact you have on our lives. We're glad you can confide in us and that you can share your problems with us but there is a line between sharing and teaching a life lesson and just plain traumatising.
Some of us can't trust other people. Some of us are scared shitless of commitments. Some us are numb. Some of us are bitter. Some of us can barely believe that anything can "work out". I'm not saying you're entirely responsible; we've had our shares of disappointments and heartbreaks from others as well. But you mean so much to us we can't helped to be affected.
All we want is for you to show us all the wonderful possibilities of life and how to deal with problems. All we want is your unconditional love and respect.
Sincerely,
Your Child
i don't like (the person) i've become
Sunday @ 13.3.16
i might just be the stupidest human being. i went against everything i've ever told my self and for what? to be left out and exposed. i thought i was fighting for something, i really did. but i guess i was wrong.
for a believer, the person that i used to be wasn't really the best version of me. i was cynical, i was bitter, i was skeptical but i was... protected. a feeling i haven't felt in a while now. i was protected because i didn't let anyone under my skin but now this person has gotten deeper than under my skin and guess what? he did what i would've thought everybody do; throw up, get up and leave (that part of me) now, i regret ever letting someone in and letting my guard down.
when i was about to give up, a person told me; 'treat this as his worst, you wouldn't even want to try to be there for him? you just want to quit like that?' i thought about this a lot and i ended up staying even though i was miserable because that's what i wanted someone to do for me. i don't want them giving up on me whenever i'm being difficult. despite that, that person didn't do the same for me.
here's the disappointment number two. i know that would happen. if this was 2 years ago, i would've known this would happen. just because you are willing to do something, doesn't mean other people will too. just because you see someone as important, doesn't mean they will prioritise you either. so why hope? hoping will just set you up for disappointment.
it's better to stay cynical and believe that everyone is going to disappoint you.
it's bound to happen either way so best be prepared.
Monday @ 6.4.15
You know that feeling? That feeling when you get everything you’ve ever dreamed of. Everything that you long for, for so long. It has been month, yet I still find myself speechless every time I think about the blessing I’ve received. A blessing in a form of a human; a partner; a lifetime dream.
I never knew I could find the comfort of a mother’s love in some stranger that wasn’t even related to me. I’ve never expected to find someone that could accept me for everything that I am. Someone that has seen my flaws and overlook them. Someone that I could be comfortable enough with five layers of clothing or a mere thread.
I used to be that cynical girl. The girl who was skeptical of everyone’s actions, of their motives. Then he came and made me believe. Believe in him, believe in love, believe in genuine feelings. Everything was new for me and I won’t lie, there were days I wanted to give up. And here’s another new experience, I’ve never wanted to be with anyone so much that I’m willing to fight my inner cynical self to death. Being by myself is something I’ve been comfortable with for more than a decade. I’m even comfortable living miles away from my family. Now the thought of being separated from him for a couple of days tortures me. There’s nothing I want more than to be able to fall asleep next to him, wake up to his face and go home to his warm embrace after a long day of work.
This is new.
This is real.
You're my first.
falling out (of love)
Thursday @ 8.5.14
ah the same old question again.
what is love?
l o v e.
l o v e.
something that most people are desperately seeking. most people crave for. ache for.
what is it really? is it an act? a feeling? a dream? a physical state of being? an illusion?
is it worth fighting for?
is love enough?
should mere feeling (illusion) be enough to make you hold on to something that obviously brings negativity to your life?
in a span of one month i have experienced ups and downs probably more than the scariest roller coaster in the world. i was certain i fell in love... despite every logical being in my body insisted that it wasn't love. from the moment we made up until that saturday night, i feel like i'm the happiest human being. i didn't say this out loud to you that time but i really love falling asleep and waking up with you. i love the way you hold me when we sleep. i love the fact that i took a shower first and let you sleep a little bit more. not many people realise this but i love to hold hands. i love the fact that we hold hands everywhere. i love the way you kissed me. i love your smell. i love sleeping on your pillow. i love the way you told me you were in love with me. most of the time, i wanted to just stare into your eyes to see if you're lying because i can't find a reason why you would genuinely, honestly love me like that. i feel happy, elated and i said i love you too because i do.
i guess there's always a risk though. i hate the fact that you can take away all happiness in a second. because of something i didn't even realise i did. is your patience really that thin? are your bitterness, anger and hatred really stronger than your happiness? than your love? i wouldn't know now, would i?
the words you said when you're angry are just plain hurtful. i'm even more saddened by the fact that you knew, you knew, they would hurt me. you said them on purpose. to hurt me. you wanted to break me. you wanted to step and jump on me until i break to pieces. until you can pick up the pieces and be the hero.
i admit my worst habit (if you can even call it that) is i always, always, always avoid the things that would hurt me. as simple as a kpop-otp. i'd rather not know anything or act as if they don't exist to safe my own feelings. i know that it's probably not fair to treat you like this too. but i can't help it yet... i wanted to change for you, but i guess it wasn't fast enough for you.
i lost my train of thoughts.
bottom line.
i love you.
i admit my worst habit (if you can even call it that) is i always, always, always avoid the things that would hurt me. as simple as a kpop-otp. i'd rather not know anything or act as if they don't exist to safe my own feelings. i know that it's probably not fair to treat you like this too. but i can't help it yet... i wanted to change for you, but i guess it wasn't fast enough for you.
i lost my train of thoughts.
bottom line.
i love you.
everything's easier said than done.
Monday @ 24.3.14
i give great advice.
my advices are well thought and rational.
but could that be the danger?
at times like this i would wonder.
even if what you told me was all bullshit, haven't you ever felt something more when you were with me?
no, not attraction.
no, not love.
but comfort, safety and joy?
what am i saying... you're probably out with someone else as i'm writing this.
i'm not special. i'm far from perfect. honestly, i don't even know why anyone, let alone you, would stick around.
but can i play stupid and believe that you would, as you put it, always be there for me?
oh baby we'll be the death of us.
Sunday @ 23.3.14
you.
you.
you.
you.
you.
how did we end up here.
who would've thought that after 3 and a half years of friendship we would end up in this mess together.
despite everything, it pains me to think that i might lose you forever.
you might not know it but you're a good person. deep down you are a good person. things happened. it wasn't your fault.
i might be a fool but there are times that i believed in every word you said.
i don't want to think that it might be all lies to get me into bed.
i don't want to think that it was just all part of your tactics.
i let myself be a fool and told myself that you, you genuinely care.
what a fool.
you made me feel something i've never felt before. without us realising, you bring out the best and the worst in me. you fought for me a lot. probably more than any guy had been. i don't know if it was for the sake of your pride or you truly wanted me. to be honest, i could never bring myself to believe that it was the latter one. i know that in your eyes i'm probably just another "fish in a barrel". i know that i'm only one of your missions. one of the melbourne girls. one of your girls.
i can't say a lot of things out loud. i don't know why you couldn't understand that but you should've known. i've told you. i've told you that time that i couldn't say these things.
sometimes when we were together, i feel like the happiest person. but on some days, right after you made feel so important, so loved, so special you went to talk about other girls. i heard how special they are. they're better than me. much better. you took away every positive feelings you gave me and replaced them with doubts and lies and it hurts. it hurts that it was all empty talk.
i've tried to ignore these feelings for the longest time.
now i've acknowledge it in words.
now it has become real.
now we know two messed up kids won't make a right.
i've let my guard down around you when i know i shouldn't. i know i shouldn't but i did. now i have to deal with the fact that again i made the worst choice. now i have to rebuild the walls again. stronger and higher. but it scares me.
i don't want to have a wall that high. the walls are already so high that it shielded me from sunlight. i'm afraid that soon i'll suffocate inside.
help.
help.
i want you here.
but i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
so scared that i wished i didn't exist so that i can do both of us a favour and not be in this mess.
i guess i'll never say these words to you. it's too painful. and it's too risky.
at times like i couldn't help but wonder if i'm the only one hurting like this. i know i'll never admit this out loud but i love you. i truly do. if this isn't love then this is the closest i've ever been. please tell me it was a lie.
please tell me that 'us' wasn't a lie.
please.
we did everything wrong.
why.
you asked me to run away with you and i just shrugged or laugh.
but you know what.
the truth is, i'm already packed.
i'm already waiting behind my door for you to pick me up.
we could be two insane kids living the life together.
but i'm scared to tell you all that because i'm scared that after we run away you'll abandon me.
i don't know how much of that i can handle before i officially go insane.
i think i am insane.
am i insane?
am i?
i don't know.
all i know is that it hurts.
save me.
save me.
please.
i don't want to be like this anymore.
i don't want to be hurt anymore.
but it's not your fault.
i doubt that your intention was to hurt me.
i know you never intended to hurt anyone.
i understand sometimes you couldn't help the things you do or say.
you're lovely.
you're vulnerable.
you're fragile.
and
i'm insane.
i'm a coward.
i'm damaged.
are we a good combination?
so many times you told me yes.
so many times you told me no.
which one of that should i believe.
a lot of times when you talk about other girls. i wasn't jealous or sad because you should've been with me. no. all i heard was how these girls are better than me. they're prettier, they're more fun, they're nicer, they're more attractive that's what i hear. most times i'm upset over that fact. i'm sure you don't realise it but every time you talked about other girls i feel worse about myself. i feel more flawed, uglier, damaged. it's not your fault. you didn't know. i don't have your confidence. my self-esteem is lower than the ground. i can't understand why somebody would want me. if you're going to risk your heart, shouldn't you at least risk it with someone worth it. someone who's the person of your dreams.
someone you could be proud of. someone you could hold dear for the rest of your life.
i'm not that person.
i don't think i'll ever be that person.
there are so many pretty girls yesterday.
i'm sure you've picked a handful.
just seeing how pretty they are made me feel a hundred time worse about myself.
the fuck am i worth.